The Missing Peace
I have been absent from blogsville for the past few weeks, and have revisited my old standbys last night and this evening to catch up a little bit.
One of those blog writers mentioned how he 'finds' Serenity, and it struck home.
I honestly can't recall a time in recent months when my soul has been at Peace.
And having to actually write down that statement makes me incredibly sad. I don't know what's changed. I don't know where along the way I crowded out Peace, because if I did I would most certainly backtrack to that time and rescue it from the ditch where I discarded it.
Since I read that post earlier tonight, I have been especially uneasy. Realizing that in a relatively short time, I have forgotten how to relax. I have forgotten how to have fun with abandon. I have forgotten what it is like not to be consumed with worry. Angst is the fuel that propels my day.
Tomorrow I am taking the day off to spend with my kids before they return to school. And instead of looking forward to it, and I making out a mental list of all the other things I should be doing. I am wringing my hands over the things that couldn't get done today because of horrific technical problems at my office. I am anxious about an important trip I am making next week. I am fretting about what all needs to be done before we go on our family outing in the morning. I am nervous about meeting with all the new soccer parents at our first team meeting tomorrow night. I am second-guessing my purchase decision on the kid's portraits -- too many? Not the right ones? Should I go to bed now and get more sleep? Should I stay awake a little longer and try to unwind? And on and on and on...
I am mad at myself that I can't just let it go.
And then I sit here and think that if I were Peace and Serenity, I wouldn't want to be around me either! Perhaps I didn't abandon Peace. Perhaps it ran away as fast as it could to join up with Serenity who wised up long ago and got the heck out of this mad, mad world.
Anyway, if you see Peace and Serenity...tell them they are missed.
On the Job...No wait, "IN" the Job Training
No, this post is not about my career.
This is a sort of explanation of where I have been hiding out the past few weeks.
In the book of Job.
That's a book in the Old Testament in which an affluent and by society's standards successful man was stripped of his health, his wealth and his family and he continued to choose to turn to God.
It's funny because a friend of mine had pointed me toward the Psalms to find some peace during this turbulent time I an navigating. And while there are some extraordinarily beautiful passages in Psalms, I found David to be way too manic for my current state of mind! ha ha He might be lamenting his terrible fate in one phrase, and then in the very next exalting the Most High God! Oh how I wish I could consistently offer praise even when I am downcast, but I honestly have to say that I don't.
So, I flipped back a few pages to Job. Ahh, yes, here's a figure from the Bible I can identify with. There's nothing manic about him...he is consistently down. In the dumps. Skid row. Gutter bound emotionally. He's run into some hard times, and he goes straight to God with his situation. And then he's got these three friends who in their attempts to "cheer him up" essentially tell him that anybody with THIS MANY problems must have done something to deserve it. And yet Job comes right back at them and says...tell me what I've done that anyone else here hasn't done. I stand as righteous as anyone, so if this is what has befallen me, by your own reasoning you better watch out, too, because it's coming your way. And he lays it all out to God and asks Him why this is all happening. He understands that God knows his heart anyway and knows what he is feeling, so he doesn't make any pretenses about how unhappy he is with the way things are going!
What I love about Job, though, is that there seems to be a new little nugget each time I pick it up. A couple of weeks ago, one of our pastors asked me how I was doing, and I said that I really didn't have a response. Later that night when picking up where I had left off in my reading, I came across a verse that just nailed it for me. It goes something like this "It doesn't matter whether I talk about it or whether I keep it to myself. I am simply worn out."
Is that not the best verse ever!? It exactly captures where I have been the last few weeks and perhaps why I have not really had anything to post. Because there was nothing I could talk about that would assuage my desire to be understood or to express myself or to simply purge myself of mixed emotions.
Anyway, sometimes our silence isn't because we don't have anything to say. Sometimes it is because we have to make an 'either/or' decision in an instance where we have a 100% chance of not making any difference. And in those instances, I am learning that sometimes I would just rather err on being silent.
This time, I suppose I am seeing what happens when I err on speaking out.
Sometimes we just have to say "You know what, God? I am simply worn out."
Job did.
And in the end...
well, you'll have to find out for yourself.
